Dear Yahoo! userbase:
It has not escaped the attention of new management that, yes, I now possess 30,000 Tumblr followers.
Thirty-thousand of you! That’s pretty massive, eh? Wow!
What’s more, I have also been a loyal Flickr user ever since January 2005 — “Flickr” being an obscure, formerly with-it Yahoo! photo-sharing site where I have over a million page-views. Over there at Yahoo! Flickr, they still count in pages. Millions, but pages.
With these elite credentials, I was quickly recruited for some R&D work on Yahoo!’s fully-consolidated Tumblr-Flickr service, “Tumblickr.” Yes, I’ll be helping to create the new, conceptual, diegetic services that the rest of you will some day enjoy!
What’s more, you people — my mighty legion of thirty thousand followers — are the very first people to hear early warnings from the leaky Tumblickr development R&D lab. You’ll notice that the “heart” and “forward” commands have been disabled for this exclusive news post. Do not attempt to use those grayed-out commands! Violations of the new terms-of-service will be swiftly noticed and permanently recorded, and offenders may well be deprived of their obligatory Yahoo! log-in.
1. Automatic image enhancement. Any group photo featuring a “Tumblickr Pro” (formerly called “Flickr Pro”) will be automatically groomed for elite user benefit. This means red-eye removal, gray hair re-colored, bent shoulders straightened, sagging features sharpened, unseemly wrinkles shooped out of their 1980s-style clothing, etc.
The opposite applies to the dead weight of the 47% Tumblr “taker” underclass, who will be depicted as even youthier, grimier and more downmarket than they already are.
2. The new “Ignore + Throttle” feature. Newbies, trolls, teens, cat-fanciers and other vermin who annoy a “Tumblickr Pro” will still suffer the useful, time-honored Tumblr “ignore” command. However, randomized DDOS lag-moments of three to fifteen seconds duration will also be introduced into the service connections of these offending parties. This is an innovative service of “Unit 63198,” our new Chinese Tumblickr offshore support battalion.
3. Automatic Mobility Filtering. Tumblr users are notorious for posting from “mobiles.” These cheap, careless Android snapshots are easy to distinguish from genuine camerawork, linked through top-end Apple desktop media-production units, owned and deployed by those of us who can still think differently enough to take real digital photographs.
Our new Tumblickr feature allows us to filter-out these low-net-worth “mobile” vagrants, especially those who lack any mortgage or a retirement plan. These way-too-mobile insta-bums will henceforth be gently guided into a “Tumblickr Favela” where they can pay in Bitcoins and be seen only by their own kind.
Here at Tumblickr R&D Central, we’re soliciting further input about our services from our users — but for God’s sake, not from just anybody. Do not send us email. We own the Big Database now. We already know who you are. If you’re likely to do anything useful for us, we’ll know that long before you do.
Forward to 40,000!
The Committee to Nuke Elysium 