No matter what that slut says, the only new show I never miss is “True Blood” (9 p.m. Sundays on HBO). Admittedly, Alan Ball’s kooky vampire mystery baffled me at first. I guess I half-expected those small-town vampires to seduce the mortals in their midst with vitriolic psychoanalysis and ultra-witty complaints about the pretensions of art school, then adopt scrappy, adorable foster children, indulge in illicit affairs with relative strangers, and finally, fall down dead from scary brain infections out of the blue. (Narm!)

Instead, Ball offered up a kitschy town full of oddballs and misfits with seriously fake Southern accents. For someone who grew up in the South, these exaggerated drawls couldn’t be more chafing. Imagine a British guy attending a production of “Hamlet” put on by a bunch of 8th graders in Texas, and you get the idea. Tara (Rutina Wesley) is particularly awful at the Southern drawl, and seriously needs to tone it down. That’s the trick, see? You take your idea of a Southern accent (hopefully not derived from watching “Gone With the Wind” because, uh, those accents were fake, too) and then you cut it in half. Otherwise, you sound like a space alien.

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